why i give... reason #2

i give because i really DO have plenty and it helps me remember that!

2 years ago we were in our final year of seminary. WE includes elliana, our then 10 month old daughter who God gave us (unexpectedly) on the end of our internship year (called vicarage). So the three of us lived in the cheapest place we could find, the upstairs of a really old house. the heat didn't work so well and cold seeped in constantly. We covered the windows but realized the walls probably had no insulation in them so it wasn't much good-the kitchen never got about about 50 degrees. We had chronic mice problems, during one run we caught 6 in as many days, and still there were more. I made only about $700 a month, it was the best we could do with me in school and jocelyn trying to take care of ellie. we only had to hang on for about 9 months (and seminary would be over!) and we had some savings, but it was tough.

The majority of our food came from the Seminary-run foodbank (if you ever want to know the ins-and outs of hamburger helper-i know it well). We had to take a hard swallow and get on state-funded insurance. There was no way we could afford the regular checkups that elliana had to get, and when i looked at income threshholds we were WAY under (its hard to admit that I was just the person they had in mind when they created those programs). Ocassionally throughout that year we'd get an anonymous check in the mail from some generous person "out there" somewhere. It was a beautiful beam of light in a very gloomy season of life. I'm still SO grateful to those people.

...

Today things are much better. I make several times more money each month than i did back then. We live in a great place. St. Matthew gives us good insurance. We shop at the grocery store now-a-days and can actually PICK the kind of hamburger helper we want to eat! Our kitchen is stil only about 57 degrees, right at this moment at least, but that's because we turn the heat down at night and it hasn't warmed back up again. Life is very different today than it was 2 years ago.

it sounds like i should be pretty content! ... Content??? what's that?

I've heard that most americans, when asked about how much money they'd NEED to be financially stable all give the same answer "about 10% more" So those who make $30,000 a year think, "man if i only had about $3,000 more!" those who make 100,000 are thinking about an extra 10k somewhere. even those who make a milllion bucks are looking for ways to make a quick 100,000 more! It speaks of what we all already know, contentment is really hard!

that's where giving comes in for me. When i look around my life (in a moment like this when i'm thinking rightly about it, not jealous of all the stuff others have) i know i have EVERYTHING i need plus a bunch. And giving helps me remember that. My tendency is to want to hold on to it, to dream of more, to think of reasons why i don't have enough to spare... but then when i make the decision to give, it pulls me out of that mindset to see that "hey i can give $xx away and still we are eating, clothed, warm, and able to get from here to there... guess we had enough after all!"

with contenment, you can sit around and wish it into your life, OR You can do something a little more active. You can take a stand and say "Even though i don't think so all the time, i REALLY DO have enough, more than enough!" And then step out and give some of your "enough" away.

why i give... reason #1

I intend to do a series of posts on the reasons i personally think giving is a habit worth taking up. And they aren't necessarily a bunch of Biblical reasons either, so don't expect too much. Just something i keep feeling compelled to share. a little background first.

I just started to become a giver about a year ago. Before that i gave a little something here or there because i either felt like i HAD to or because i felt guilty about not doing it. after all, i'm a "spiritual leader" how can i NOT give?

I actually had a host of reasons... "i already give so much of my time to God's work"... "I gave 8 years of my life in education for this"... "people who HAVE money should be the ones giving, not people like me"... "my family is young, maybe i can give when i'm older and more established"... i could go on.

But then something in me changed. God opened my eyes to see giving in a different light, not as an obligation but as an opportunity, a response, an act of faith... [don't want to give it all away too soon!]

My intention is to share with you, not how great i am, because truth be told I still struggle with this, a LOT! but that's why i want to share, as one who is in the trenches stuggling along with many of you on this issue. And in fact it wouldn't surprise me in the least if some of you were much further along in this than i am...

Though I do confess that part of this is self-serving. Writing these things is a good reminder for me on keeping the right heart when it comes to giving. because i find that it's really easy to lose it. hopefully that's an adequate introduction, now you ready? here we go....

Reason # 1: I give because i think generosity is beautiful.

maybe not a deeply theological reason, but let me tell you, this motivates me! God has put MANY generous people in my life, people who have floored me by their ability to give sacrificially and selflessly. In a world filled with the ugliness of people who are looking out for themselves and who are holding on to as much as they can, generous people are astoundingly, shockingly beautiful. Think of someone in your life who is generous, doesn't it add something lovely to your existence?

at his core God is generous too, and that's part of the reason he is beautiful. He gives of himself deeply, consistently... he doesn't have to but he does. i find that irresistable.

But honestly seeing other humans do it, witnessing it from afar, even being the recipient of it, it flipped a switch in me. And confronted me with a simple question...

"Do i want to be someone who adds beauty to the world or do i want to perpetuate the ugliness of greed?"

maybe it's a shallow reason, but you have to admit, there's something to it, isn't there? isn't generosity beautiful?

Show some love

So Valentine's Day is gone, that one obligatory occasion where we force ourselves to acknowledge the "loved ones" in our lives. I used to hate Valentine's Day, thought it was so contrived, thought it'd be better if i could be free to spontaneously declare my love to people, not because it was the day you were supposed to do it, but because i wanted to do it! Buying candy and flowers (at double retail value) and waiting 2 hours for a table at a restaurant was way too commercial, too inauthentic.

But what i'm finding in the years i've been together with my wife, Jocelyn, is that time moves fast, life is demanding, and before you know it many many months can go by where you've not expressed your love beyond a simple "i love you" before hanging up the phone or the quick kiss on the cheek before you run out the door. I think that although Valentine's Day IS contrived, it's helpful to shake us from our tendency to take people for granted. I think sometimes we need coaxing to move our hearts to SPECIFC expressions of love and appreciation for another...

so you ready to indulge me? I'm talking to all of you lurking readers out there who tell me you read this stuff but NEVER comment (if you are afraid you can always comment "anonymously")...

... It would be to my delight (not that it's ALL about me :)) if you would comment with a short line declaring what you love about your local church, specifically what you love about the way God is working there (if you are someone who doesn't have a local church feel free to express your comments on something loveable about God in general, if you can't think of anything, i invite you to read what others have written).

sure it's contrived, but how much easier is it to complain about all that is wrong in life and the church? (i could have a PhD in this, let me know if you find a school that offers one) But surely you've got some love...please take a moment and express it. c'mon i said please!

competition

this is one of those posts where i might come out looking bad. Which is okay by the way, because that'd be mostly accurate.

i have a friend (don't get excited this isn't a confession masked by pretending I'm talking about someone else) who is a brilliant guy (see? proof i'm not talking about me). Now that i think about it, I have several brilliant friends. But this one friend in particular is a really smart, clever, funny, even wise. I consider him a pretty good friend and i think if you asked him he'd return the sentiment, which is why this is all so puzzling...

because i keep finding myself trying to compete with him.

It isn't deliberate, at all. I think competitiveness is ugly and fight it with every bit of character i have. But it creeps in sometimes. I was reading his blog this morning and found some pretty smart, clever, funny, wise stuff there and my first reaction? well, i guess my first reaction is to enjoy his content, but my second reaction? it's to jump on this page and write something smarter, cleverer, funnier, wiser. I stop myself for a second, "why are you trying to outdo him, he's your friend?" And even now, as i write this, i'm struggling to answer that question.

It's not that my affection for him is insincere. He's a true friend and I care about him deeply. So why do i do this?

Maybe it's b/c I have a tendency to build my worth on comparison. I'm only worth the skin i live in if I can be better than those around me (it's economics-supply and demand or something). So when I see others being better than I am at something, my "worth" takes a hit and i've got to scramble to try to protect it. I think this is especially true when i see others being better than i am at something that i really lean on for my worth. I'm not an underwear model, an athlete, a big income earner, or a lot of other things. But there are a few things i'm good at and man, do i really depend on those things to make me feel worthy of life... so when i see someone, even a close friend, being better at me in one of those areas, i get competitive. It's not only ego but it's survival that i'm fighting for.

this is sick, i know. I hate feeling this way and i'm sorry about it.

Especially because I know there is another way to live my life. God has made a way for me to have worth aside from what i can or can't do better than others. It's Christ; it's grace. God doesn't call me 'His' (an incredible expression of worth, don't you think?) because i'm a pastor or a really great christian. He doesn't love me because i do more good things than others or because I sin less. His perception of me doesn't rest on any of that stuff. He loves me because he loves me because that's just who he is (i realize there are two 'becauses' there, reread it until it makes sense ;) )

This is a hard thing to accept, because i want so badly to earn my worth. That'd make me feel more like a man- more in control of things. Problem is I can't, for 2 reasons. (1- this is a practical reason) There will always be someone who is better at stuff than I am. If i try to earn worth, I will always be able to find someone who's better at doing whatever it is i'm trying to do... and that makes my value less... worse, that's the road to endless competition and rivalry.
but also (2) I can't earn what's already been given.

bottom line? accept the gift.

poverty next door

My friend just posted a really thoughtful entry in his blog. take a look at it

i think most of us who live in Detroit don't know how to feel about the Superbowl coming to town. It's a shiny flicker of hope in a really dark city, but i think most of us aren't really convinced that anything will change. And maybe we even know it's because WE won't change.

Blame corrupt mayors or bad city planning, crime, drugs, (insert your favorite excuse here) but isn't part of our mixed reaction to the superbowl informed by guilt? that others are coming in to "do" in a city we've turned our back on? A city that we all share in by our proximity, industry, and heritage? More than a city, a people who have been horribly left behind?

my prediction? unless we in the rich suburbs change, detroit will not. Not ever.