competition

this is one of those posts where i might come out looking bad. Which is okay by the way, because that'd be mostly accurate.

i have a friend (don't get excited this isn't a confession masked by pretending I'm talking about someone else) who is a brilliant guy (see? proof i'm not talking about me). Now that i think about it, I have several brilliant friends. But this one friend in particular is a really smart, clever, funny, even wise. I consider him a pretty good friend and i think if you asked him he'd return the sentiment, which is why this is all so puzzling...

because i keep finding myself trying to compete with him.

It isn't deliberate, at all. I think competitiveness is ugly and fight it with every bit of character i have. But it creeps in sometimes. I was reading his blog this morning and found some pretty smart, clever, funny, wise stuff there and my first reaction? well, i guess my first reaction is to enjoy his content, but my second reaction? it's to jump on this page and write something smarter, cleverer, funnier, wiser. I stop myself for a second, "why are you trying to outdo him, he's your friend?" And even now, as i write this, i'm struggling to answer that question.

It's not that my affection for him is insincere. He's a true friend and I care about him deeply. So why do i do this?

Maybe it's b/c I have a tendency to build my worth on comparison. I'm only worth the skin i live in if I can be better than those around me (it's economics-supply and demand or something). So when I see others being better than I am at something, my "worth" takes a hit and i've got to scramble to try to protect it. I think this is especially true when i see others being better than i am at something that i really lean on for my worth. I'm not an underwear model, an athlete, a big income earner, or a lot of other things. But there are a few things i'm good at and man, do i really depend on those things to make me feel worthy of life... so when i see someone, even a close friend, being better at me in one of those areas, i get competitive. It's not only ego but it's survival that i'm fighting for.

this is sick, i know. I hate feeling this way and i'm sorry about it.

Especially because I know there is another way to live my life. God has made a way for me to have worth aside from what i can or can't do better than others. It's Christ; it's grace. God doesn't call me 'His' (an incredible expression of worth, don't you think?) because i'm a pastor or a really great christian. He doesn't love me because i do more good things than others or because I sin less. His perception of me doesn't rest on any of that stuff. He loves me because he loves me because that's just who he is (i realize there are two 'becauses' there, reread it until it makes sense ;) )

This is a hard thing to accept, because i want so badly to earn my worth. That'd make me feel more like a man- more in control of things. Problem is I can't, for 2 reasons. (1- this is a practical reason) There will always be someone who is better at stuff than I am. If i try to earn worth, I will always be able to find someone who's better at doing whatever it is i'm trying to do... and that makes my value less... worse, that's the road to endless competition and rivalry.
but also (2) I can't earn what's already been given.

bottom line? accept the gift.